You Might Also Like
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch