Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.