The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are