[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.