If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.