how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
HERE’S MARKY