I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I need to update my racial profile.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it