DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
translated into Canadian
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.