Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
my astrological sign is a french fry
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.