If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Warm pools make me nervous.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*