Why is no one talking about this?!
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.