the answer was staring at me all along
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.