Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
How did we not see this back then?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.