When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
OKAY DAD
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Overindulged this afternoon.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.