Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
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A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
#Caturday
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Bit chilly again tonight.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.