*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn