ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?