It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up