sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.