every college guy’s fridge
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Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea