Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white