Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”