There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
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Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
No, he would not have.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Storm Tropical Storm
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.