Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
You Might Also Like
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.