[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”