Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?