[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote