Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.