*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Saturday
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I identify as an antique shop.