LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”