aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.