[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I created you as mosquito food.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.