I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
🙋♀️
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
That’s no pocket rocket.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it