My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.