Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
You Might Also Like
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Schrödinger’s cookie
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.