4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?