ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.