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#ProTip
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long