Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies