In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun