Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
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My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I hate my earbuds.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”