If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
adding to the discourse
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My Guy
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Still cracks me up
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no