FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here