imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
You Might Also Like
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods