As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
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Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what