I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry