I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then