fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Pickled cat.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.