If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.