Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog